March Madness: Uneducated Edition
March 17, 2022
First Round: I picked winners solely on mascots. Here are the first-round winners:
Gonzaga Bulldogs over Georgia State Panthers– although panthers themselves are better than bulldogs, the word Gonzaga is significantly cooler than the whole phrase “ Georgia state panthers”.
Boise State Broncos over University of Memphis Tigers– I think tigers are lame, to be honest, maybe I’m just worn out at Clemson fans.
UConn Huskies over New Mexico State Aggies– I’m fully aware that aggies are probably an actual thing, but whatever that thing is sounds lame, so despite the fact that huskies don’t sound cool they’re the neutral choice this time.
Alabama Crimson Tide over Notre Dame Fighting Irish/ Rutgers Scarlet Knights– any team composed of two schools is not winning. End of discussion
Texas Tech Red Raiders over Montana State Bobcats– I don’t like bobcats, I feel like they’re overhyped.
Michigan State Spartans over Davidson Wildcats– Again with the cats, lame.
Duke Blue Devils over CSU Fullerton Titans– I really like the use of titans, however, I appreciate the thought of changing the typically used color of a devil, so Duke gets creativity points.
Baylor University Bears over Norfolk State Spartans– I already let a team with the spartan mascot through, there’s not a high chance I get it right twice.
North Carolina Tarheels over Marquette Golden Eagles– I don’t know what a tar heel is, and frankly I don’t care. It does sound really cool though.
St. Mary’s Gaels over University of Wyoming Cowboys/ Indiana State University Hoosiers– This one is a double whammy of losers here, not only is it a team made of two schools but additionally both of their mascots are corny. Again, I don’t necessarily know what a Hoosier is, but I really don’t want to.
UCLA Bruins over Akron Zips– Zip is a form of onomatopoeia, not a mascot.
Texas Longhorn over Virginia Tech Hokies– Hokies sound like a sandwich you would get in New Jersey, longhorns sound cool.
Yale University Bulldogs over Purdue University Boilermakers– The word boilermaker makes me gag.
San Francisco Dons over Murray State University- Dons sound like they’re a part of the mafia, the mafia is definitely making it through the first round. Racers don’t sound convincing, what are you running from? Winning? That’s what I think.
University of Kentucky Wildcats over St. Peter’s Peacocks– I don’t like cat mascots, but I know how the food chain works. Most forms of cats eat birds if given the chance, so Kentucky wins.
Arizona Wildcats over Wright State University Raiders/ Bryant University Bulldogs– You lost me with the team made of two schools again.
TCU Horned Frogs over Seton Hall Pirates– Frogs are lame, horns are not, therefore TCU will win over a mascot that is just a dressed up human
UAB Blazers over Houston Cougars– I can’t separate the idea of predatory women from the actual animal, so I’m going to go with the blazers this time.
University of Illinois Illini over Chattanooga Mocs– I appreciate the confidence it takes to make your mascot just a variation of your name. Also, I think mocs are short for moccasins, which are shoes.
University of Michigan Wolverines over Colorado State Rams– Wolverines are cool.
Longwood University Lancers over University of Tennessee Volunteers– Similar to the racers, the mascot implies an action, what are you volunteering to do? Lose?
Ohio State University Buckeyes over Loyola Chicago Ramblers– Loyola sounds like they talk too much.
Villanova University Wildcats over Delaware University Blue Hens– Food chain.
University of Kansas JayHawks over TX Southern Tigers/ Texas A&M Islanders– Double school team. Tigers suck, and islanders sound delusional. How are you in the midwest region and an islander? You are literally landlocked.
San Diego State University Aztecs over Creighton University Bluejays– Aztecs sound kinda questionable, but blue jays sound lame.
Richmond University Spiders over Iowa Hawkeyes– I like the word Richmond a lot.
South Dakota State Jackrabbits over Providence College Briars– South Dakota sounds cooler than Providence.
Iowa State University Cyclones over LSU tigers– cyclones are cool tornadoes, and I don’t like tigers.
University of Wisconsin Badgers over Colgate University Raiders– If you’re named after a toothpaste you get no credit.
University of Miami Hurricanes over USC Trojans– Something about hurricanes sits right with me.
Auburn University Tigers over Jacksonville State University Dolphins– I don’t like how they made a school named after a city a “state university”. Jacksonville is not a state so they should change the title.
ROUND TWO, there’s no explanation for these picks except for the fact that I said so:
Gonzaga over Boise
UConn over Arkansas
Texas over Alabama
Duke over Michigan
Baylor over North Carolina
St. Marys over UCLA
Texas over Yale
San Francisco over Kentucky
Arizona over TCU
Illinois over UAB
Longwood over Michigan
Villanova over Ohio
Kansas over San Diego
South Dakota over Richmond
Wisconsin over Iowa
Miami over Auburn
ROUND THREE (with biases):
Gonzanga over UConn – Gonzaga is such a cool word. I think the term “UConn” is trying too hard to be cool.
Duke over Texas – My friend really likes Duke, so I’ll trust his judgment here. Additionally, I have a preference for names starting with the letter “D” as opposed to “T” for obvious reasons.
St. Marys over Baylor – for girl boss reasons.
Texas over San Francisco – I have a loyalty to the south.
Arizona over Illinois – I love Arizona, not as a school, but as a state. Subaru outback of states to me. I am not open to opinions on this.
Villanova over Longwood – Villanova has more swag than Longwood.
South Dakota over San Diego – I like the idea of South Dakota, just generally.
Miami over Wisconsin – Miami is cooler than Wisconsin.
Gonzaga over Duke– I can’t get past how cool the word Gonzaga is.
St. Marys over Texas– Feminism wins again.
Villanova over Arizona– V is a really unique letter, whereas “A “ is common, I like rooting for an underdog.
South Dakota over Miami– South Dakota seems like they deserve it more.
Villanova over South Dakota – Underdogs don’t usually win, tough luck.
Gonzaga over St. Marys – Feminism, unfortunately, will not get me past loving the word Gonzaga.
Gonzaga over Villanova – I think my reasoning is evident at this point.
Side note: These predictions are for fun, I don’t know anything about basketball. If you’re upset feel free to talk to me about it but know that I will not care or respond. Stay blessed, Cavs.