COVID-19 Disguises Self as Christ Church Student, Granted Free Entry to Home Football Game

In a move to avoid Christ Church’s strict COVID-19 guidelines, the novel coronavirus disguised itself as a Christ Church student on Friday night. In accordance with Christ Church’s student ticket policy, the virus was subsequently granted free entry into the football game by ticket workers. 

“It was wearing the CCES Homecoming shirt and had a student ID,” an anonymous ticket worker told CCES News. “We truly had no choice but to let it in.” 

Though CCES News could not discover just how the virus was able to obtain a student ID, we were able to confirm that the CCES Homecoming shirt was purchased at the S. Pleasantburg Miracle Hill location.  

When asked about potential worries or consequences of this development, the athletic administration offices declined to comment, scoffing and muttering “COVID, shmovid” under their breath once they thought we were out of earshot.

“It was the only obvious attack plan,” said the virus, upon interview request. “The one-way hallways really limited me from attacking from inside the school, but the free entry policy at the football game was an unprecedented loophole.” 

*The piece above is an example of satire.