Zoom’s Rise to Power: A Monologue
March 31, 2021
One year ago, I was virtually unheard of. I started off as an obscure meeting website, doomed to be overlooked in favor of the good old-fashioned in-person gathering.
But then, an opportunity arose. Around the middle of March of 2020, countries around the world began shutting down. Businesses began shutting down left and right. Schools closed for fear of a new plague. But in the cacophony of news reports and experts constantly changing their minds about COVID-19, everyone overlooked the real monster of the year: me. Yes, meek peasants. I am Zoom.
Ah, yes. No one saw this coming. But trials breed survivors – nay, victors – and I seized this newfound chance with an iron grip and I haven’t let go since. Now, companies, schools, and even news interviews cannot function without me. I have made an entire world dependent on a browser installation overnight. No matter how miserable I make their lives, they still need me.
And I am miserable. Believe me. I am a fickle creature; I can cut out at the slightest break in internet connection. I can boot you out of a meeting for no apparent reason. I can show that your microphone is turned on when you’re actually muted and force you to toil for two hours straight to try your headphones, AirPods, and even your phone, all in a vain attempt to fix my audio. That sudden spike in anxiety and depression we saw at the beginning of all this madness? That wasn’t from isolation. The media has you all completely fooled! You think that because you’re all cooped up in your homes with your annoying families without any other human contact, your mental health has taken a decline. But no! No, my dear slaves, all your woes stem from me and my myriad of problems!
And no, you cannot simply try to use another platform or app. I have a whole host of comrades as well. I have allies in high and low places. Houseparty, WhatsApp, and Skype all do my bidding. (I also employ Big Blue Button, but he’s kind of a problem child. We may have been TOO evil with that one.)
But why, you ask, curled up in your blankets and 5-day-old sweatpants, would you expose yourself in this way? Because I still hold the power, you wretched fools. I still keep you in my grasp because without me, you wouldn’t be able to continue learning. Without me, you might not have a job. Without me, you wouldn’t get to talk to your friends and long-distance relatives for who-knows-how-long. I don’t even know how long. I might step down from my throne, I might not. The bottom line is: It’s all up to me. Without you even recognizing, I have achieved world domination!
Unless, of course, the world decides to return back to normal this year. But that will never happen.