The Tyranny That Plagues Our Movie Theaters

February 21, 2020

There are few things that unite us as humans. We disagree over everything from politics to religion and everything in between. But the one thing many can agree on is this: the movie business has been corrupted. Countless obstacles plague a seemingly innocent trip to the cinema, and I, for one, am upset. 

The Lines

As soon as you step out of your car, the first obstacle presents itself: The 20-person trail of moviegoers, impatiently shuffling their feet while they wait for their turn to get their tickets. You dutifully take your place in the back and wait. And wait. And wait. Fifteen minutes pass and you’re STILL 10 feet away from the booth. Why are there only two lines, you wonder? Would it be such a problem if there were a few more windows to lessen the traffic? Never mind the fact that we have to stand outside, rain or shine, to obtain these tickets. And that pitiful awning doesn’t help much. And when you finally get to the booth, the person at behind the window asks if you’d like to buy a million different memberships and cards. No, I don’t want a Regal Platinum card. I don’t come here that often. Yes, I’ll have my free popcorn today, thank you. No, I don’t want to look into becoming an employee here. I’m here to see a movie, not for a job interview. And once you FINALLY make it through the door, the next trial awaits. 

Concessions

We all want snacks, and we all get hungry during the movies. So, the theater capitalizes on this as much as possible and offers a wide array of popcorn, candies, and even wings for us to munch on. But there are flaws in the system. Not only are there more horrendous lines (and more whiny kids screaming for candy), but the prices are absolutely absurd! Six dollars for a Snickers bar? 8 dollars for a large popcorn?! Not even a king-sized one – a puny regular bar. It’s sheer madness! This right here is why I sneak in my own snacks and drinks. But it’s only so easy to stuff a backpack full of water bottles and candy bars while looking inconspicuous. I know it’s how the theaters make their money, but believe me – they have plenty other patrons who are willing to pay an arm and a leg for food. I’ll be skipping the lines and eating my free snacks, thank you very much. 

Previews 

Look, I don’t mind watching commercials and ads. I like seeing what’s coming up in the next few months and getting excited for the newest movies. Bu I couldn’t care less about your stupid product promotions at the beginning. They advertise the exact same things they tried to sell to you wen you bought your tickets! For the last time, I don’t want a membership! I don’t want to work here! And that rollercoaster thing before the movie starts – look, I loved it as a kid, but the same theme song and visuals over and over again begin to wear you out after a while. And it takes FOREVER for the pre voews to be over! You know they take too long when you forget what movie you came to see in the first place. I could come later, but then I might get stuck in horrendous traffic on Woodruff and miss the opening scenes. It’s just a huge debacle. 

Temperature

It doesn’t matter if it’s the heat of summer or the dead of winter – the air conditioner in the theater is always cranked up to polar levels. What’s wrong with normal room temperature?!  I don’t want to have to bring in 2 sweaters just to keep from getting frostbite! Maybe it’s just a ploy to get us to buy more overpriced coffee.  

 

  1. Lack of intermissions 

This is the greatest evil of them all. You’ve made it through the other trials and tribulations and you’re finally ready to enjoy your movie. But you got bored during the endless previews and absentmindedly sipped away at your sweet tea (or water, if you’re lame like me). By the time the middle of the movie rolls around, your cup is empty – but your bladder is full. And there’s an hour left until the movie ends! But there’s never a break. You have to choose between holding it for an excruciating sixty minutes or missing a crucial plot twist. I didn’t pay forty dollars to miss my movie! (And it doesn’t help if you’re watching Aquaman or Pirates of the Caribbean where there’s literal oceans of water gushing on screen). 

 

So, if it’s such a hassle, why not just rent films on Netflix or Hulu? Because I don’t want to wait three months to see something that’s going to be spoiled by all my friends who have already seen it! (And my network is slow and it would take forever to buffer). So, time and again, we soldier through because we love our movies more than we hate the struggles. We don’t just pay for a seat and some food – we pay for an experience. (But in all seriousness, if they don’t give us 10-minute breaks soon, I’m going to riot).

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